?

Log in

June 2010   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

The kids will like this, who cares if it's great?

Posted on 2009.07.21 at 00:39
Current Mood: Amused and Annoyed
Current Music: The Explosion - If You Don't Know

So a music video was recently brought to my attention that was so shockingly, disturbingly impressively bad, I had to write about it. The problem is that I was not sure what I wanted to write about the video or how to best address it. It is so unbelievably horrible I was actually at a loss of how to best express how much it sucks.

Let's learn about the video before I get to my presentation. The video in question is for the song "Stick Stickly" as performed by Attack! Attack! who hail from Columbus, Ohio. A quick look on Wikipedia shows that there are two vocalists in the group: Johnny Franck on guitar and “Clean Vocals” and Nick Barham who handles the (I swear I am not making this up) “Screamed Vocals”. They, along with their band mates, create what is surely the apex of the downfall of modern music as we know it.
I’m attending my family reunion in Wisconsin in a little while. The topic of conversation for the first few days is what you’ve been up to. So I’ve decided to take “Clean” Vocalist Johnny Franck and put him in his family reunion somewhere in Ohio surrounded by his aunts, uncles, grandparents and anyone who has ever had high hopes for him.

---------------------------------
Scene: Franck Family Reunion
FADE IN

JOHNNY’S UNCLE FRED
…So we settled the lawsuit.  Sure, she lost her eyelids, but it's not like THAT was my fault too.

(EVERYONE LAUGHS)

AUNT MARTHA
Johnny, how is your rock and roll band doing?  

JOHNNY
We're doing good.  We did the Warped tour and it's been good.  We even shot a music video.

AUNT MARTHA
That's nice.  You know, I don't think I've ever heard one of your songs. 

GRANDMA
I don't think I have either.  Do you have a record with you?

JOHNNY
No, but we could watch the music video on the internet.

JOHNNY'S FATHER
(Suddenly jumping to action)
No no no, I don't think we need to do that.  How about you just maybe tell them what it's like to be on tour.  We don't need to go through all the trouble of getting the video online and watching and all that.

JOHNNY
(Opening his laptop)
It's no big deal Dad, I have it right here.  It's saved to my hard drive, I wont' even have to download it.

UNCLE HECTOR
Yay!  Movie time!  I can't wait to hear my godson's song!

JOHNNY'S FATHER
Really, you don't need to hear it to appreciate it.  Its like all art, hearing about it is just as good.  In fact, you know what's really great?  NOT hearing it at all and just letting your imigination take over.

AUNT MARTHA
What's wrong?  You don't think we're hip enough to like Johnny's song?

JOHNNY'S FATHER
No, that's not it at all.  I just think maybe we could be using our reunion time to catch up with everyone.  Hey, did you hear Brad got into dental school?  Let's talk about that for the next couple hours.

GRANDMA
Oh hush.  You're going to spoil the fun.

JOHNNY
Got it all set up!

(The family gathers around the laptop.  JOHNNY'S FATHER begins drinking from a SILVER FLASK)

JOHNNY'S FATHER
Oh God.  Here we go.

(JOHNNY presses play)


 
(Upon the video ending, there is a very uncomfortable 40 seconds of silence.  Finally GRANDMA speaks.)

GRANDMA
Well.  Johnny, you looked very handsome.

UNCLE HECTOR
Which one was he?  Was he all of them?

JOHNNY
No, we're all in the video.

UNCLE HECTOR
Oh.  It's just that you all kinda look the same.

JOHNNY
Well, that's our look. 

UNCLE HECTOR
Ah.

(Uncomfortable silence)

AUNT MARTHA
I liked how you all ran in place at the same time.  And how you're bobbing your heads all together.  That must have taken practice.  And those girls jeans were very slimming.

JOHNNY
Yeah, that's our thing.

(Uncomfortable silence)

UNCLE HECTOR
So what happened towards the end there?  Was that a different song or what?  I'm confused.

JOHNNY
No, that's all the same song.

UNCLE HECTOR
Really?  It's just that it kind of comes out of nowhere and seemed.....really out of place. 

JOHNNY
We like to be diverse.

UNCLE HECTOR
Oh.

(Uncomfortable silence)

AUNT MARTHA
I'm gonna go check on dinner.

UNCLE HECTOR
I think the cat is throwing up.

GRANDMA
I also have to go.

(They exit hurridly.  JOHNNY and JOHNNY'S FATHER, who has had his head buried in his hands are left alone.  There is one more uncomfortable silence.  Finally, JOHNNY'S FATHER lifts his head up and looks over at his son.)

JOHNNY'S FATHER
When the guys at work ask me what my son does for a living, I tell them you're a janitor.
 
SCENE

-----------------------


-jb

 


 

Previous Entry  Next Entry